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The HoPes Of SoMeThiNG INterEsting
the fuckadelic series
Recent Entries 
30th-Nov-2010 05:59 am - yellow wallpaper
grain
 Im working with the most annoying bellman ever. I pretend im being attacked by a bear, but he still doesnt go away. maybe if i actually got down on the floor in the fetal position it would work. I used to feel bad about ignoring him... i mean hes an old grouch that just wants someone to talk to. But hes really annoying. theres just no words to describe. Annnd he called my hair butch. Im not enjoying the life with short hair. maybe i just feel insecure about it? i dont feel girly enough i guess. part of me misses my long curls, but it was also really annoying! I still have yet to post pictures of my short hairs, i just cant take a good enough one i guess. I feel as though im being really stupid over a small thing like hair but its also important to me how people perceive me. My dad told me its the best haircut ive ever had, but now im wondering if hes just saying that because i look really gay and thats his way of supporting it?
 
I was thinking earlier, about how i try not to be a crazy girl. I think every woman comes with a bit of crazy, it just comes with the territory. I convince myself that im going to be blunt and honest with people and not be a crazy person but then its like jekel and hyde... and bam crazy bitch. I have been spending to much time convincing myself of feelings instead of actually feeling them. Its pretty confusing. I think i feel one thing, and then i get slapped in the face with the complete opposite of what i thought i felt. I also always want what i cant have, i cant help it, im not sure if its the crazy woman in me or just part of being human. I guess in the end im the only one that ever gets hurt.  

I need to turn my mind off and just relax. I wish i could reprogram myself and just start brand new. Specially when it comes to getting close to people. I automatically put up a wall, or i get to attached to the idea of a person and how i think they should be.Even as i sit here my emotions are probably dreaming ways up to sabotage themselves. I feel so trapped, and as much as they love me i feel like my friends are trying to make me out to be what the want to be. Like im some sort of fragile creature. I guess i really am done for now. Im done trying, im done feeling and being who i feel like i should be. I really just wish i had someone to hold me while i ball my eyes out, but the truth is i dont. thats all, and thats how its always been. Its not sad, it just is. 
platinum
Im listening to Jason Mraz again. He is so amazing, his songs make me feel in love. Its amazing. I feel even more of a dork since theres a punk band playing right below me, and all i can listen to is geek in the pink, and others. 

Halloween was good, of course i let myself down again. I gave in to a certain dick because i was feeling bad about myself. Its at least a distraction i suppose.Sometimes i just miss being touched, and kissed, or even just hugged. Its getting depressing all ready now that it gets dark so early. I never see the light, im getting frustrated. and my work schedule has been messed up because the only other person who knows my  job got fired, for smoking pot on the roof of the hotel in broad daylight while all the managers were there. What an idiot. he could have gone somewhere else to do it! i mean really? so now im screwed and stuck training and working like everyday. I only have one night off a week, and im lucky to get even that. im so fucking tired and grumpy i saw that i had to work sunday and i wanted to cry. I fucking hate myself. i really need to quit my job. jpbs are just really hard to come by right now. i found one that was perfect but they never called me back! 

Anywho. I cut all of my hair off! yesterday i felt empowered... today im beginning to regret it! my dad love it so it cant be too bad haha, everyone at work said they liked it too! we will see i guess, its goign to take some getting used to.
29th-Oct-2010 02:42 am - Subject
platinum
 Its been a while since my last post...
Apparently i had this amazing revelation which i thought would help improve my life. And yet again it has not made me feel at ease. In fact im pretty sure that I enjoy making my own life more difficult. Its like I think that things are good and then i start to feel unsure about my decision.
Yes, im probably the most indecisive person on this planet. I just cant stand behind what i feel and im not sure why! 


  well, at least I have moved into the new apartment so thats taken care of. Im still adjusting and i have not made it out to explore yet. I was going to do it yesterday because it was so beautiful out but things happened. Yes Melissa and I got stranded on the side of the highway, but thats a whole other story (damn my desire for burgers!). I may be Bi polar because sometimes im like go life ! and then the next minute i want to curl up in a ball.
 
  This is probably why i cant hold on to anyone long enough, im always being distracted and wondering if im doing the right thing and coming off as a perfect person, and then i end up looking like a psycho. Im not crazy, i just cant make up my mind about anything. I want to tell you everything about me, and then i dont want to get too close to you. Im pretty sure that this is the curse of adam and eve. Im not a church goer , nor do i really claim im much of anything. However you want to call it... well, "the story" of Eve. I think thats were we get our crazy from. The first lady ate the apple and her punishment is that she has to not only deal with her own bullshit but everyone else's, which in turn makes all women crazy. 

Im really just trying to rationalize my own confusion. 
7th-Sep-2010 04:36 pm - how to change
platinum
 The question is how to change. Everyone thinks they have the answers but i think the answer is different for everyone.
Everyone knows that its my weakness , how fat i am. Specially thin muscled jerks who want to use me for sex. I need to isolate myself. It sounds crazy but i think that i have too many distractions maybe that my friends aren't supportive enough, they lie and say im pretty the way i am. Well they may not be lying because they know me. I want to change things and make people who dont know me, want to know me. So im not going to go on facebook anymore, im going to start back up at the gym, and eat healthier. It sucks, i dont want to do it, i hate doing it. Sometimes its a high you feel better, but then in the end its still unfair you cant eat like other people, you have to constantly worry about calories, and working out. You start to become a different person that people dont like because they think its stupid that you worry so much. Its like a stupid circle, i just need to go out on my own and figure things out. I just want to loose a ton of weight and then magically come back and surprise everyone. I want to be the one everyones in love with. The truth is that I hate myself and that needs to change. 

How do i? this will probably end up like all of my other attempts and last two weeks and then i quit. I wish i could go away to a fat camp and then come back different. Its stupid. Im going to try to answer the question but im not sure if it will work. 
6th-Aug-2010 06:11 am - people
platinum
Im beginning to hate people. I mean i get annoyed sometimes but this is worse. I just have no patience. I seriously need a new job i just cant be nice to people anymore. Im tired of having to spell the word lighthouse because people are stupid, and im tired of being treated badly just because they cant get what they want. Maybe im just stressed because its been so busy. Its been sold out every night this week and after 5 nights in a row i seriously want to punch these people in the faces. I was away from the desk for like 10 minutes tops because i was so hungry i was sick and i came back and there was a guest like freaking out saying he was waiting for a half hour when it couldn't have been. plus i had a security guy there popping in to make sure it was okay and no one needing anything. Last night there was a woman who decided she was hungry at 1am and i kept telling her  her options and they weren't good enough so she decided to put an order in to i hop in who knows where and wanted the driver to pick it up and i kept telling her it was out of our range we cant go that far and she was like i understand i have money. After arguing about it with her she said she wanted a discount on her room because we wouldn't get her food. the driver was in between runs and by the time she stopped bugging us it was 3am. Im so tired. I dont  know why life has become so annoying but i dont know how much i can handle anymore. 
 I dont know if what im doing with this guy who decided to be fwb after all. I guess im just trying to figure out what i like and who i like. No one seems to understand that. My friends are pretty quick to jump to conclusions and are protective. I guess they are just worried because i get easily about stuff like that. I am going to find it hard to feel used though, i mean the way i see it is that we need each other, im his rebound and hes my experiment. If it doesn't end well then it doesn't . Im 22 i should have more experience anyways. Tonight i have the night off so im going to knock back a few drinks and relax the entire weekend. other than going to the gym because i was the laziest person ever at the beginning of the week so i need to make up for it now! I have been debating on wether to get an ab lounge or not. I should probably wait a few weeks to make sure i have the money because im compleetley broke these days. I prmissed myself that i wouldnt buy anything until i move into the new apartment because im worried about money. I need to make sure i have some backing me because i dont want to be broke and nervous in a new place. especially Portland! 
24th-Jul-2010 06:47 am - In general
heels
 I staid up till 630 am on my night off.. well figured i might as well since i have to work tonight, then i have sunday off. I think its a mix of sexual deprivation and work that may be getting me down. Well that and the fact that im such a fatty. I think this weight loss attempt will be different. I keep envisioning myself being skinny, wondering what it would be like. Before i was kind of scared? i mean i have always been chubby, and whenever i get hit on and stuff it makes me feel awkward. Last night i had a dream that i was at a party and someone mistook me for a model! the person was like models are in this room, and all i had to do is walk around and be pretty and then after i got a shit ton of money. I know thats not what its really like but it must be different being pretty. Last night i was sitting around waiting for jackass to text me back because we were supposed to hang out. I texted him at 530 and he didnt call me until 9pm. his excuse was that he was at the gym. He was clearly on facebook too. So i didnt wait around i made plans and decided to go out, he kept calling me and texting me and i told him that i didnt want to wait around and he was like i was busy. Why bother lying ? i dont understand, so he wanted me to go to his house after i was out with some people, one of who hates him anyways. Going out was awkward enough, a bunch of skinny bitches i dont know, i felt out of place i really hated it. My pain was probably visible because some big dude with dreads was all like whats wrong why you  shy? I should have just danced with him, why fuckin not?  
well i should go to bed shortly, iv got a toy party to go too. Maybe i will get something to fill in the gap in my life.I will probably be late on some bills this month, i hate it and it stresses me out but i want to get an ab lounge and a weight scale. I think i need them if im going to be serious about it. I have started off going to the gym like everyother day and taking weight loss pills, eating better, only drinking water. I wish i was naturally pretty so i didnt have to do so much work. 
12th-Jul-2010 02:48 am - bull
platinum
 I went from excited and determined to annoyed and sad. I thought it was PMS but im pretty sure its just going to be a crappy week. My work hiring an outside company for security sucks. The guys they hire are creepy and annoying. The guy last week was totally clueless and was like " you dont know how to do this?" well its a completely different department that i have never worked so bite my ass. Its so fucking annoying. This weekends guy was hitting on me all yesterday , and now today he is just fucking everything up. He took an airline crew to wendys while there were like 3 more crews waiting at the airport. so all the crews that had to wait were there for over a half hour. Its common sense. He was like your the type of girl that if you didnt like me hitting on you, you would stop me. I guess its kind of true , I dont like him at all he thinks he knows everything. i think the truth is that i like the attention it makes me feel better about myself. 

the post from above was from friday  night. i just didnt get a chance to finish because then he overflowed the coffee machine and i had to help clean it up because he is apparently clueless enough not to know how to mop. anyways...
Had saturday off, well i went over to visit a friend and talked and watched a movie. I went over there with a specific thing in mind. On the way over i realized that im hopelessly in love with her, I also spilt my frosty all over me... cride , went home to change, then discovered im fat. Ridiculous. anyways so i went over and it was awkward. then i went home sad and staid up all night talking to melissa. Woke up sunday started my period, thank god though because i thought i was going crazy and i was thinking i wasn't supposed to start till next week , and then i was like shit im going to be this crazy for a week? So i got up around noon then went back to bed and then woke up at like 440 and i was like crap, supposed to go to a bday / housewarming thing at 5. couldn't find my cellphone thought i had lost it under my bed, then i realized what if i never took it out of my purse? and there it was. then got ready for party, went , it was fun. It was nice to hang with chill people plus diana is like who i want to be. Melissa , tom and i stopped at the grocery store and planned a nice night in watching a movie and maybe sitting on the porch. i w ent in my room for a bit while they were eating dinner and my phone starting ringing i was like who the hell, it was work. so of course i didn't answer it . It was rob saying i was supposed to be in and wondering where i was. WTF i was like well they must have changed the schedule cuz thats bull i have fri and sats off. My supervisor was like well its been up since thursday ( wow 2 days notice, nice) so apparently i didn't even look at it, but i could have sworn i did. Its such bull shit, having one friggen night off is not enough. now im here at work with a pounding head and a bleeding vagina because the only other person that knows how to do my job either calls out or requests a day off every week. Its fucking ridiculous. 
Why cant i be like a normal person? theres stuff i wish i had done and gotten over with. I want to have been in love and lost. not been in love and never fucking experienced it in return . I dont understand , i think im a nice person i can support myself, i think i would be a good girlfriend. Theres something wrong with me, there must be. Im not special, i will never have that special effect on anyone. im just a piece of shit that gets used, once people get to know me or get in my pants they realize im useless. Im done, just done. I have a job i relitively healthy , i have great friends and family, who said i deserve it?
15th-Jun-2010 05:40 am - wooow
platinum
 omg it only 540 i thought it was 640 FML ! i hate that
15th-Jun-2010 05:36 am - ehhh
platinum
 Mother nature is kicking my butt. I dont know if its all the working thats kicking my ass or just my allergies. im exhausted and sick im pretty sure im going to die. its been rainy , i dont know maybe thats bringing out all the allergens or something. im forced to drink tea, which isnt my favorite thing but it feels good on my throat . i loose my voice really easily when i get sick it worries me :-/ Theres so much i have to do too i have to get some laundry done because i went to a new laundry place and i didnt have enough time to dry it all completely so now i have gross wet laundry in my car. grr. im glad the place i live is safe enough to just leave my stuff there drying and then pick it up later. 

bleh. i did get a nice comment from a guest today, he said i look like tea leoin. i didnt know who that was at first so i looked it up, shes pretty! well its almost over 20 more mins then im out of here and dryig laundry then in bed !
8th-Jun-2010 04:37 am - everything
platinum
I really dont know what to write, i just feel like doing it. I feel like i want to start using livejournal again because none of my friends use it anymore. so this is like my own ... personal space. im at work now, its 4am and i dont have anyone going out until 440 so i have some time to kill. I guess im bored of watching movies and sitting around. Im going to try and motivate myself enough to go to the gym this morning. I really would rather go in the afternoon but im afraid i might run into chris, that weirdo. I dont understand guys, its like they are never what i want them to be. well i pretty much think that about everyone, thats probably why iv been single my entire life. People are just never what you expect. maybe i have too many expectations, i dont know. I feel so bored with life, its like im stuck here , but im at the point where i have accepted it and now im just going to sit on this fictional couch of life and wait for something interesting to happen. I know i defiantly need to loose weight , and i know i have always thought that but i realize every year that i just keep getting fatter. Its gotten to the point where i dont even want to go out anymore, i dont want to go out with my friends because im embarrassed. I feel fat, and the friends who are like yeah we will be single together, well they dont stay single for long and im left in the dust. I try not to care, and people tell me if i spend too much time worrying about it or thinking about it it will never happen, that i will never meet anyone. but its like people come alone and i fuck it up and then im left back where i was. Iv decided to become a heartless bitch because thats really the only way you can survive in this world... by not giving a fuck. Yeah im bitter but you know, i have reasons to be , and no one seems to understand. Its like people are oh whatever you will find someone as they go on with their dramatic tales and guy or girl problems and i just get left sitting there listening to them bitch, and wishing i had something to bitch about. I actually dont know if i would ever have something to bitch about, i mean i think i would be pretty happy with things if i had someone. but i guess who knows. i mean im a loser lets face it. im 22 and no one gives a crap about me. I have amazing friends which im lucky for but really, they are proud of me using people and "not giving a crap when i do" when really the truth is im terrified of life. I try to use people but then i realize that i like the attention and i get too attached. and by people i mean 2 people. wooo big deal. one thinks im fucking crazy, and the other well is a douche that never wanted me in the first place, and i never wanted then but then i tricked myself into thinking that i did and then got upset when they didnt want me ? idk if that even makes sence but thats that. Im not confidant so i look for that in other people but they turn out to be dicks. I give up , i mean i say this now but i really i thinking close to breakdown. I just want to work and sleep and do my own thing. maybe i need to stop depending on my friends and people so much and start doing things on my own. God i still wish i could pack my bags and go somewhere else, now im realizing that i will probably have to do that on my own, but i dont know why im so scared iv always been on my own. it may not seem like it to other people but iv always been trying to help people with their dramatics, ive always surrounded myself with these emotional people and tip toe and be nice and idk spew bullshit out of my mouth all the time. Im starting to even hate my job, taking care of people being nice to them kissing their asses. before i thought it was a thing that i liked doing, i mean i really like the learning about people and where they have been thing and sharing things with them but i feel like im someone else trapped in this body. Its like a cliche things to say but i mean i need to know who i am , i want to find out. but i keep destractuing myself, like with whats wrong with me and what others see in me.  Gah even just know i was like maybe i just want to much maybe i should focus more on work or something to distract myself but i just keep over analyzing myself like i pretend to be concerned but im really not going to do anything about it. I want too much i know that but at least i have ideas of what i want. i need to start doing things on my own, i have relyed too much on other people and i havnt gotten anywhere. i have decided im going to stay here for a year or two saving money on my own and then plan to get out of here. and whatever im doing, whoever i know im going to be like i love you , peace out. Maybe its this other person thats inside this body that needs to be out on her own, maybe she just needs to be free of everything familiar. I get anxiety just driving up the road to get a coffee but it think if i stripped myself of every comfort i would do pretty well. I tend to rely on people who are near me and leave the thinking to them. I guess thats why im seen as this little girl, or someone who hasnt been out on their own and done things. Inside im crazy and fun and idk interesting. i dont kn ow why i try to mask it, cover with hair and shoes and blah.
wow its 440 already. i just blabbed on about how annoying things are for 40 mins. haha well i should get to work. i guess i needed that. so much more is floating around though! i will be back later!
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